“What’s the biggest challenge in our world today?” That’s a question I’m asked all the time.
My answer is what I hear and see – or don’t see – in business, politics, families and life overall – a lack of civility. It’s the biggest element of how the world could be a better place. 
We need to bring civility back to life and live it in every relationship with people we know and those we don’t.
Some definitions of civility:
- Treating others with respect, kindness and courtesy – even when we disagree;
- Choosing respect over rudeness;
- Creating an environment where every person feels valued, heard and respected through our words, actions and attitudes; and
- Doing our jobs with kindness, communicating without surprises, refusing to create drama and protecting the brand through respectful behavior.
I dedicated a chapter in my book, “The 5 Rules,” to this topic. Some information from the chapter “Civility – Where have you gone?” includes my wish that every meeting room had a sign on the door stating something simple: “You are entering a drama-free zone.”
I’ve thought about that sign for years, because I’ve sat in enough meetings to know what walks in when it isn’t there.
Drama takes a seat at the table right along with everyone else, and it starts dropping bombs right and left. Someone feels attacked and says nothing in the room only to walk out and stirs things up afterward. This does not to solve anything, instead creating a diversion from the real issue.
I call that the behind-the-scenes character assassination, and I’ve watched it corrode more teams than any competitor ever could.
If the lack of civility had a child, its name would be drama. And drama has quietly moved into our stores, meetings and homes.
Civility isn’t a soft skill we can skip because we’re busy hitting numbers. Civility includes the behaviors that help preserve the norms of mutual respect in the workplace or in any community.
Civility demands we speak in ways that are respectful, responsible and restrained. It means we avoid behavior that is offensive, rude, demeaning or threatening – even when we disagree, are frustrated or someone else started it.
This isn’t a new problem, nor is it exclusive to the grocery industry. In 2017, the incoming freshman class of the U.S. House of Representatives – Republicans and Democrats alike – agreed on something rare. They said civility had left their chambers and they wanted it back. They declared it the “Summer of Civility.” Representatives who otherwise couldn’t agree on much signed a Commitment to Civility pledge, promising to act with respect and collegiality toward one another, even amid deep disagreement.
As they put it at the time: “We are not naively calling for an end to partisanship. We are challenging all Americans to listen to each other more and to be more open to others’ perspectives.”
If members of Congress – people paid, in part, to disagree with each other for a living – could pause and recommit to civility, surely we can do the same in our stores, department meetings and homes.
In the years since that pledge, civility seems to have left the building again – in Washington and plenty of break rooms across the country.
It starts with being kind
Civility and kindness are two sides of the same coin, and kindness is where leadership must begin.
Let me be clear about what kindness is not. Being kind doesn’t mean being a pushover. It doesn’t mean we stop holding people accountable to do their jobs. Being kind means we don’t demean people with our tone, words or actions.
Here’s a saying I come back to often: “I can tell everything I need to know about you by the way you treat the person who can do nothing for you.”
It’s easy to be nice to the boss, regional VP or best customer. However, it’s not so easy to be kind to the slow cashier trainee, the demanding shopper at closing time or the co-worker who is just plain difficult.
While being kind isn’t always easy, it is always right. Being kind – and its close cousin, being coachable – isn’t about being naive about performance or letting standards slip. It’s about remembering that we never really know what someone else is carrying.
A struggling team member may just need a little extra grace while they deal with something deep or personal. Grace and accountability are not opposites. The best leaders I know do both at the same time.
Guard what we allow to take over
In Proverbs Chapter 4, King Solomon – widely regarded as the wisest and richest man who lived in those times – gives instruction that starts with the words “Above all else.” He then finishes it: “Guard your heart.”
I’ve thought about that phrase for years. What we allow ourselves to be emotionally caught up in – anger, ego, the need to win an argument, the urge to prove someone wrong in a meeting – ends up driving our behavior more than we’d like to admit.
Nearly every uncivil moment I’ve witnessed in a workplace started the same way – someone let their feelings take the wheel.
If I had just two sentences to leave behind for the people I lead, it would be this: Above all else, be kind and coachable – not arrogant. Be willing to listen, always in learning mode and willing to admit there’s room for improvement.
That posture is the antidote to the toxic culture so many workplaces are dealing with right now.
Bringing civility back to our stores
So, what does this look like on Monday morning at work?
It looks like a department manager who disagrees with a decision from corporate and says so directly and respectfully in the meeting instead of nodding along and then venting to the team on the sales floor afterward.
It looks like a leader who corrects a mistake without demeaning the person who made it. It looks like giving associates genuine encouragement instead of catching them only when they mess up.
It looks like treating the vendor rep, new hire and customers who can’t make up their minds with the same respect shown the president of the company.
It also looks like leaving a bad day at the door – at work and home. The latter is supposed to be a safe haven. But too often, families take the brunt of the frustration we’ve been holding in all day. Civility doesn’t get to clock out when we do.
None of this means we stop holding people accountable. Civility isn’t about avoiding hard conversations; it’s about having them the right way. Speak the truth and hold the line on standards. But do it in a way that’s respectful, responsible and restrained, not offensive, rude, demeaning or threatening.
Like every good habit, civility isn’t sustained through willpower on our best days; it’s sustained through consistency, especially on our worst ones.
The secret isn’t perfection; it’s not letting a bad moment, difficult customer or hard conversation derail our intent to lead with respect.
My challenge to every leader reading this: In September, be the one who calls civility back into the room. Model it in meetings. Demand it of yourself before anyone else. And remember – the team is always watching what we do far more than they’re listening to what we say.
When I was discussing this lesson with my wife, Melanie, she said something I thought was a perfect way to end this piece: “It used to be surprising when someone said something rude or acted hateful. Now it’s surprising when someone is simply polite. Somewhere along the way, we’ve accepted incivility as normal – and that’s exactly why each of us must choose to bring kindness back. Civility begins with one person, one conversation, one choice at a time.”
Let’s answer the call of civility.
Steve Black is CEO and founder of abrighterday.life, a business and leadership coaching organization devoted to helping people and companies with personal growth and implementing simple leadership principles. A 47-year-veteran of the retail grocery arena, Black is the author of “The 5 Rules” and offers an online Masterclass.