It’s been an interesting journey since publishing my book on “The 5 Rules” in January of 2024 and speaking and coaching on these rules across many organizations since then. There has been one question that comes up on many occasions that I’d like to expand on for this month’s leadership teaching.
But first, just as a refresher – here are the five rules – the key behaviors I believe can transform culture, team and family. And in the grocery business, we’ve always coached to numbers. I believe that if we’ll coach to behaviors, the numbers will be there.
- Do your job: The power of reliability in a chaotic world.
- Be kind: Kindness as a cultural disruptor.
- No surprises: Building trust through transparency.
- No drama: Choosing clarity over chaos.
- Protect the brand: Living with integrity and purpose.
In the book, there are five life lessons under each rule that illustrate how we can bring that rule to life or understand it a little better, but for this lesson let’s just focus on the rule itself. When I speak on each of the five rules and reach Rule 2 – “Be kind” – here are some of the things I talk about. 
First, this rule formerly was “Be nice.” However, many mistook that as being soft, so I changed it to “Be kind” a few years ago. Below is some clarity on comparing the two words that will help explain how this unfolded.
- Kindness includes accountability: We can be kind and still hold someone to a high standard. Niceness might shy away from that.
- Kindness is active: It’s about doing what’s right, even when it’s hard. Niceness often defaults to what’s easy or agreeable.
- Kindness fosters growth: It supports others through challenge, feedback and support. Niceness may prioritize comfort over development.
- Kindness aligns with courage: It takes bravery to be kind in tough moments – especially when kindness means saying “no” or offering constructive truth.
I believe we are the least kind to those we love the most. Sadly, in the high-pressure world we live in, we tend to let down when we get home and unfortunately, those we live with and love the most get the brunt of our day.
When I ask for testimonies on how things are going, I have received positive feedback from many of the companies I’ve coached.
Hands down, the No. 1 remark I get is that they have learned how to be kinder at home to the ones they love the most. They feel so much better about this and, honestly, most never realized what it was like to be “on the other side of me.”
The other main feedback from these testimonies: “My team is now kinder to each other – not so short. Sometimes, where before they had been condescending, they are now way more patient with each other.”
The rules also have made an impact in homes where parents are still raising children. How refreshing is that? The best testimony I’ve heard is that the word “kind” has become a focus and common language in everyday life. That’s the power of the five rules – we hold each other accountable to live them.
So, here’s the question I get a lot in question-and-answer sessions: When someone is mistaking kindness for weakness, how do we hold them accountable for meeting expectations?
My response: How we talk to and treat them is where kindness comes in. And we can’t confuse kindness with lack of honesty. Don’t sugarcoat the issue and don’t over-exaggerate it, either. Holding someone accountable is about making sure they understand Rule 1 – “Do your job.”
Over my career, I have had a few people mistake kindness for weakness. What follows is how that unpacks:
- Misunderstanding assertiveness: Some equate strength with dominance or aggression. So, when someone leads with kindness, they may be seen as lacking an edge or authority.
- Fear of vulnerability: Kindness often involves emotional openness. In cultures or environments that prize stoicism or control, this can be viewed as naïve or soft.
- Exploitation mindset: People who operate transactionally may see kindness as an opportunity to take advantage, assuming the kind person won’t push back.
- Quiet leadership: Kind leaders who listen more than they speak or who elevate others may be overlooked in favor of louder, more self-promoting personalities.
Now, let’s consider the strength behind kindness.
- Requires courage: Being kind in the face of cruelty, competition or indifference is an act of bravery.
- Demands emotional intelligence: Kindness involves reading situations, managing emotions and responding with care – skills that are anything but weak.
- Builds trust and loyalty: In leadership, kindness fosters psychological safety, which leads to stronger teams and better outcomes.
- Sets boundaries with grace: True kindness isn’t about being a doormat – it’s about being firm without being harsh. My early mentor always said, “Be fair but firm.”
Anyone reading this who has been in the grocery business for at least 30 years knows how managing people was in the past. And it was anything but kind. The old-school way of managing by fear and control just simply doesn’t work anymore. Sadly, it never really did.
By far, the biggest challenge anyone in retail is facing today is finding and keeping good people. The most recent leadership book I’ve finished is “How to Work with Complicated People.” I’ve already begun drawing from it.
In chapter six of his book, author Ryan Leak talks about the “5 Qs” and how they connect people for better collaboration – which is the key to working with complicated people.
The first two, we’ve heard about for years:
- IQ – Intelligence quotient: Intelligence and knowledge
- EQ – Emotional quotient: Emotions and feelings
But he then introduces us to three new Qs:
- AQ – Adaptability quotient: Adaptability and change. How well do we adjust when things change?
- TQ – Tech quotient: Technology and innovation. How well do we get technology, innovation and systems to help connect with team members?
- DQ – Decency quotient: Decency and kindness. How well do we treat those we work with and our kindness level?
On the DQ topic, Leak references a 14-year longitudinal study conducted by the University of California at Berkeley’s Haas School of Business and Department of Psychology that challenges the old adage “nice guys finish last.”
The subjects had completed personality assessments as undergraduates or MBA students at three universities. Researchers then surveyed them more than a decade later, assessing their workplace power, rank and organizational culture.
Here’s what it found:
- Disagreeableness doesn’t help: People with selfish, combative and manipulative traits were not more likely to attain power than those who were generous and kind.
- No advantage in cutthroat cultures: Even in highly competitive environments, disagreeable personalities didn’t gain an edge.
- Extroverts excelled: Traits like sociability, energy and assertiveness were more predictive of career advancement.
- Interpersonal costs: Any potential gains from intimidation or dominance were offset by poor relationships and lack of trust.
So what are the takeaways from the report? For starters, being a jerk doesn’t fast-track success; it can hinder long-term influence and collaboration.
Secondly, organizations often place disagreeable people in leadership roles, but they don’t outperform their more agreeable colleagues.
Lastly, the study reinforces the value of emotional intelligence, trust-building and generosity in leadership
Leak writes, “In other words, the bullies didn’t get any further ahead than the non-bullies. They just had more bodies under their bus.”
He goes on to note, “Think about your own employment experiences. What kind of boss do you respond best to – someone who bullies and intimidates you, or someone who respects and empowers you? What kind of work environment brings out the best in you and those you work with: A toxic, cutthroat, dog-eat-dog culture, or one where teamwork is encouraged and people are allowed to thrive?
“If you’re going to build a successful career, you need to focus on more than your IQ, EQ, AQ or TQ.”
I’ll finish with this thought and challenge for each of us: Be kind to unkind people. Be kind to kind people. Be kind to complicated people. Just be kind – period.
Steve Black is CEO and founder of abrighterday.life, a business and leadership coaching organization devoted to helping people and companies with personal growth and implementing simple leadership principles. A 47-year-veteran of the retail grocery arena, Black is the author of “The 5 Rules” and offers an online Masterclass.
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